I Just Turned 200

I review music. I review live shows. And none of my cool reviews are ever used by bands or labels to promote their work. They always go for the Pitchfork guy, or the Rolling Stone guy… or the Parade Magazine guy. Everyone knows those reviews are written by software programs developed in China. Haven’t you ever noticed all the records in Pitchfork get 7.5? Except Tim Kinsella (Joan of Arc) who always gets a 1.0 because he’s been fighting with them for years over something petty, who knows. And even after I prepared the following list of dazzling, luminous, two-thumbs-up universal promo blurbs, ready to hand over. Man. What do you have to do get some respect in the music business? [I had to do something to mark my 200th post!]

Gripping as a prostate exam.” —John Ellison

Poignant sound, like ants entering your eye sockets and eating out your skull from the inside, in a good way.” —John Ellison

Compelling, like a heart attack on a flight over Kansas with two more layovers.” —John Ellison

Nuanced as fuck.” —John Ellison

Lyrical, but not boring like poetry.” —John Ellison

A Tour de Force without Lance Armstrong.” —John Ellison

Readable lyrics.” —John Ellison

Haunting, if saying that word in a review has any shred of meaning anymore.” —John Ellison

Deceptively simple, like skin cancer.” —John Ellison

Rollicking, with lots of licking.” —John Ellison